December 27, 2011

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December 21, 2011: It was the eve of Liam’s cremation. I couldn’t sleep so I thought of writing a short note for him that I will ask to be burned together with his body:

Dear Baby Liam,

I’m sorry for the way things had happened. It wasn’t something that we expected and had hoped for. I guess God have other plans for you. And I’m sorry that you had to suffer  in order to carry out your purpose.

But if God’s plan had been aligned with ours, I would’ve wanted you to be with us; for us to take care of you and show how much we love you and how much we anticipate you coming into our lives — our family.

I may never wholly understand what God’s plan is, but I will always cherish all of the 38 weeks and 6 days that you had been a part of me. And even if only for a brief moment, I’m thankful that you gave me a chance to touch and hold and kiss a real angel.

Mommy and Daddy miss you. We love you so much, our sweet angel Liam.

December 26, 2011

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Today is supposed to be my due date, but I have already given birth last December 19, 2011 to a beautiful baby boy. And we named him Hans Liam (Hans means “God is gracious” and Liam, unwavering protector”).

But God felt our baby was too beautiful and turned him to an angel.

The word pain cannot even describe what I felt that day. I wanted to, but I did not question what God’s plan is, because I believe it will always be wiser and better than all of the plans I have for our little baby. And as I caressed his skin (not knowing it would be the last time I will feel his warmth), I told God that I’m letting go and I’m letting Him take over.

Our Angel Liam is in God’s loving arms now, where I know he is happy and in a much better place. But he will always stay in my heart.

 

 

December 16, 2011

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I was awaken by a sharp, throbbing pain on my left abdomen early morning of Sunday, December 11. It was accompanied by a more-painful-than-usual contractions on my tummy and pressure on my hips and lower back. At first, I thought I just needed to go to the bathroom, but after almost 30 minutes of trying to empty my bladder, the pain persisted so I went back to bed and hoped that relief would come soon. But what followed were more painful contractions that occurred every 5 minutes or so.

My mother asked me to stand up but I couldn’t do so without doubling over. My knees were wobbling with each wave of contraction and I was holding on to the back of a chair for support. It was then that they decided to bring me to the hospital. Initially, I just wanted to go to a nearby clinic and have an internal examination (IE) or “cervical checks” because it could just be a false alarm. But my mother, judging from the way I was wincing in pain, thought that I might be going into labor already and said it’d be better if we head straight to the hospital.

When we reached the hospital an hour later, the pain has subsided and the contractions were not as intense nor as closely spaced as they were. The doctor who performed an IE confirmed that I just had a false labor and promptly sent me home after monitoring my baby’s heartbeat and my contractions for an hour.

pregnancy false alarm

Two days later, I had my weekly prenatal checkup with my OB and she performed an IE on me again. She noted that my cervix is still closed, uneffaced (not yet thinning) and posterior (pointing toward the back) but is already softening. She added that it would probably be 1 to 2 weeks before I have my real labor and that I might even give birth a few days before or after, or on Christmas day itself. But stressed that I should continue to observe any signs of labor, especially if my water bag breaks or if I start bleeding or spotting, because no one can accurately predict when I will go into labor.

I asked what if my due date falls and baby isn’t out yet. She said we’ll wait for a week first and if still nothing happens, I’ll be induced for labor on January 2. So basically, it’s a waiting game for all of us.

Currently, I’m 10 days away from my due date, which is on December 26, but if I were to choose, I’d like to give birth now. Aside from being excited to see and hold my baby, this waiting game is becoming more and more uncomfortable and difficult for me.  My mother would always remind me that all these discomforts and pain are part of my new role as a mother. But then, even she would wish that I give birth soon whenever she sees me how much pain I’m in.

But like what I said on my previous post, it’s all baby’s call. Whether he wants to come out already or stay a little longer inside, it’s all up to him. As much as I want to free myself from all these discomforts, my more fervent wish is to have a safe and normal delivery and to give birth to healthy, happy baby boy.

 

December 9, 2011

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Before the real baby comes, let me introduce you to the newest member of the family:

chuchay

Chuchay

She’s Persian, adorable and playful, and currently the darling of the house. And she knows that. Such a spoiled cat.

 

December 8, 2011

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Baby isn’t the only one who’ll be needing stuff while at the hospital. That’s we need to have our own hospital bag, too. Here’s what I’m packing in the bag:

For Me:

  • 3-4 maxi dresses or sundresses (because they’re easier to slip on and are breastfeeding-friendly)
  • 1 jacket, cardigan or bolero (to keep me warm and covered)
  • 6 granny panties
  • 2-3 bras (nursing bra, if possible)
  • 1 pack of maternity pads
  • disposable nursing pads
  • nursing cover (when I need to breastfeed discreetly)
  • 2-3 pairs of socks
  • 1 pair of slippers

For D:

  • 2-3 T-shirts
  • 2-3 pairs of shorts
  • 2-3 pcs of underwear
  • 1 pair of slippers

For both of us:

  • 2 blankets
  • 2 pillowcases
  • 1 extra pillow
  • bath and face towels
  • toiletries such as soap, shampoo, toothbrushes, toothpaste, Betadine feminine wash (for me), cologne, etc

Other things:

  • money and ATM cards
  • ballpens
  • plastic/disposable plates, cups, utensils for food
  • styro cups and bowls for soups and hot drinks
  • dishwashing liquid and sponge