SweetSimpleJoys

It was D’s birthday when we found out that we were going to have a baby boy. D, naturally, became a beaming expectant father.

During the whole ordeal at the hospital where I gave birth, D was constantly on his feet, answering to every errand the doctors and other hospital staff asked him to do. I was, for the most part, lying in bed, still recovering from my C-section operation, while Liam was at the NICU, fighting for his dear life.

Nothing inconvenienced D; he didn’t mind going back and forth, to and fro, or running up and down the flight of stairs when the elevator was taking too long; he would promptly jump from his sleep even at the wee hours of the morning; he would skip eating. All these in an effort to help keep our little boy alive.

He would also spend time beside me, making sure that I was okay and that I had everything I need.

Sometimes, he would rest his tired feet, straighten his aching back and doze off so he would have another round of energy when the doctors beckon him.

But D’s shinning moment, which reflected how he would have become a great father, was when it was time for Liam’s remains to be brought to the morgue. The morgue’s custodian placed his small precious body (wrapped in cloth like a mummy), inside an uncovered box and was about to march down to the morgue when D stopped him. He couldn’t bear to see his son being carried down like a dead dog. He ran back to my room and asked if I have anything that he can use as a cover. I gave him the hooded blanket that we were supposed to use to receive Liam.

He initially intended to just cover the box, but a father’s heart was aching inside his chest, telling him that his child’s body should be handled with love and respect. So with the blanket, he wrapped Liam’s body and very gently, he held his head, placed it close to his shoulder and carried him as if he were alive.

They passed by alleys with people looking at him with different reactions. Some were scared and mortified knowing he was carrying a dead body. Some were shocked. But there were some who were symphatetic and looked at him admiringly because they understood why he was doing what he was doing. He didn’t care what they were thinking of.

“It’s one of the very few things I can do for him now that he’s gone,” he said “to show him that I’m his father and that I love him very much, even if it means carrying his body to the morgue.” He added that at that moment, he felt every inch a father.

MECONIUM is a thick, sticky, greenish-black substance. It is the medical term for the newborn infant’s first stools. Meconium is made of amniotic fluid, mucus, lanugo (the fine hair that covers the baby’s body), bile, and cells that have been shed from the skin and the intestinal tract. [SOURCE]

MECONIUM ASPIRATION SYNDROME. In some cases, the baby passes stools (meconium) while still inside the uterus. This usually happens when babies are under stress because they are not getting enough blood and oxygen. Once the meconium has passed into the surrounding amniotic fluid, the baby may breathe meconium into the lungs. This may happen while the baby is still in the uterus, or still covered by amniotic fluid after birth. The meconium can also block the infant’s airways right after birth. This condition is called meconium aspiration [syndrome]. It can cause breathing difficulties due to swelling (inflammation) in the baby’s lungs after birth… Complications include aspiration pneumonia and persistent pulmonary hypertension of the newborn (inability to get enough blood into the lungs to take oxygen to the rest of the body). [SOURCE]

ASPIRATION PNEUMONIA is inflammation of the lungs and airways to the lungs (bronchial tubes) from breathing in foreign material. Aspiration pneumonia occurs when foreign materials (usually food, liquids, vomit, or fluids from the mouth) are breathed into the lungs or airways leading to the lungs. This may lead to 1) collection of pus in the lungs (lung abscess), 2) swelling and inflammation in the lung, 3) a lung infection (pneumonia). [SOURCE]

PERSITENT PULMONARY HYPERTENSION OF THE NEWBORN (PPHN) is defined as the failure of the normal circulatory transition that occurs after birth. It is a syndrome characterized by marked pulmonary hypertension that causes hypoxemia and right-to-left extrapulmonary shunting of blood. The most common cause of persistent pulmonary hypertension of the newborn is meconium aspiration syndrome. [SOURCE]

December 21, 2011: It was the eve of Liam’s cremation. I couldn’t sleep so I thought of writing a short note for him that I will ask to be burned together with his body:

Dear Baby Liam,

I’m sorry for the way things had happened. It wasn’t something that we expected and had hoped for. I guess God have other plans for you. And I’m sorry that you had to suffer  in order to carry out your purpose.

But if God’s plan had been aligned with ours, I would’ve wanted you to be with us; for us to take care of you and show how much we love you and how much we anticipate you coming into our lives — our family.

I may never wholly understand what God’s plan is, but I will always cherish all of the 38 weeks and 6 days that you had been a part of me. And even if only for a brief moment, I’m thankful that you gave me a chance to touch and hold and kiss a real angel.

Mommy and Daddy miss you. We love you so much, our sweet angel Liam.

Today is supposed to be my due date, but I have already given birth last December 19, 2011 to a beautiful baby boy. And we named him Hans Liam (Hans means “God is gracious” and Liam, unwavering protector”).

But God felt our baby was too beautiful and turned him to an angel.

The word pain cannot even describe what I felt that day. I wanted to, but I did not question what God’s plan is, because I believe it will always be wiser and better than all of the plans I have for our little baby. And as I caressed his skin (not knowing it would be the last time I will feel his warmth), I told God that I’m letting go and I’m letting Him take over.

Our Angel Liam is in God’s loving arms now, where I know he is happy and in a much better place. But he will always stay in my heart.

I was awaken by a sharp, throbbing pain on my left abdomen early morning of Sunday, December 11. It was accompanied by a more-painful-than-usual contractions on my tummy and pressure on my hips and lower back. At first, I thought I just needed to go to the bathroom, but after almost 30 minutes of trying to empty my bladder, the pain persisted so I went back to bed and hoped that relief would come soon. But what followed were more painful contractions that occurred every 5 minutes or so.

My mother asked me to stand up but I couldn’t do so without doubling over. My knees were wobbling with each wave of contraction and I was holding on to the back of a chair for support. It was then that they decided to bring me to the hospital. Initially, I just wanted to go to a nearby clinic and have an internal examination (IE) or “cervical checks” because it could just be a false alarm. But my mother, judging from the way I was wincing in pain, thought that I might be going into labor already and said it’d be better if we head straight to the hospital.

When we reached the hospital an hour later, the pain has subsided and the contractions were not as intense nor as closely spaced as they were. The doctor who performed an IE confirmed that I just had a false labor and promptly sent me home after monitoring my baby’s heartbeat and my contractions for an hour.

Two days later, I had my weekly prenatal checkup with my OB and she performed an IE on me again. She noted that my cervix is still closed, uneffaced (not yet thinning) and posterior (pointing toward the back) but is already softening. She added that it would probably be 1 to 2 weeks before I have my real labor and that I might even give birth a few days before or after, or on Christmas day itself. But stressed that I should continue to observe any signs of labor, especially if my water bag breaks or if I start bleeding or spotting, because no one can accurately predict when I will go into labor.

I asked what if my due date falls and baby isn’t out yet. She said we’ll wait for a week first and if still nothing happens, I’ll be induced for labor on January 2. So basically, it’s a waiting game for all of us.

Currently, I’m 10 days away from my due date, which is on December 26, but if I were to choose, I’d like to give birth now. Aside from being excited to see and hold my baby, this waiting game is becoming more and more uncomfortable and difficult for me.  My mother would always remind me that all these discomforts and pain are part of my new role as a mother. But then, even she would wish that I give birth soon whenever she sees me how much pain I’m in.

But like what I said on my previous post, it’s all baby’s call. Whether he wants to come out already or stay a little longer inside, it’s all up to him. As much as I want to free myself from all these discomforts, my more fervent wish is to have a safe and normal delivery and to give birth to healthy, happy baby boy.