Today, our angel Liam would’ve been a month old already and I can’t help but think about all the “would’ve been’s” that we would’ve been doing or would’ve done if he was with us. Maybe, if he was with us, I would be too busy taking care of him and wouldn’t have the time to write this post.
But as life would have it, I have so much time on my hands right now. And often, I don’t know what to do with it. A few months back, I was preparing myself for a life of breastfeeding, diapering and sleepless nights; all my plans had been about what to do when baby is here. It didn’t cross my mind that I would need a plan on what to do when there is no baby.
What to do to ease the pain? What to do to fill in this huge void that suddenly grew at the core of my being? What to do with more than 9 months worth of memories? What to do with the longing? with the questions? with the days when I couldn’t understand why things happened the way they did?
Last night, someone shared this poem and I just broke down reading it. I could imagine our baby Liam talking to me through the words in this poem. And it made me realize how much I miss him and how badly I’m longing for him.
What Makes a Mother?
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked “What makes a Mother?”
And I know I heard him say
A Mother has a baby
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby’s not with you?
“Yes, you can”, he replied
With confidence in his voice
“I give many women babies
When they leave it is not their choice
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for the day
And some I send to feel your womb
But there’s no need to stay.”
I just don’t understand this God
I want my baby here
He took a breath
and cleared his throat
And then I saw a tear
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say
“We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear
My mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
My mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day
When she goes to sleep
On her pillows where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear
Mommy don’t be sad today
I’m your baby and I am here”
So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they’ll stay
They’ll wait for you with Me
Until your lessons are through
And on the day you come home
they’ll be at the gates for you
So now you see
What makes a Mother
It’s the feeling in your heart
It’s the love you had so much of
Right from the very start
Though some on earth
May not realize
Until their time is done
Remember all the love you have
And know that you are
A Special Mom
– Author Unknown
