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Something that may explain why I lost Liam.

I know I said I had posted the last about him. But it doesn’t mean that I have forgotten him or have gotten over my loss. Truth is, there’s not a single day when I don’t remember him. Not a single night when I don’t replay the scenes and events at the hospital in my head before I sleep. Not a single instance when his memories do not bring tears to my eyes.

Right now, as you’ve probably noticed in my recent posts, I’m fussing over my enlarged thyroid, which prompted me to research more about it. And the more I research, the more I realize the correlation between thyroid disorder and pregnancy, and the risks it poses to the unborn child.

thyroid disorder pregnancy

Somehow, it points to the fact that this thyroid disorder might have caused my baby to develop undetected respiratory problems, which could further explain why he wasn’t able to survive despite the ventilator and medications administered to him. Or why he passed meconium inside my tummy in the first place.

I have mentioned before that I’ve always had a slightly bulging neck and hinted that I may already have a thyroid disorder even before I got pregnant, which has worsened during the course of my pregnancy.

The thyroid gland enlarges slightly in healthy women during pregnancy, but not enough to be detected by a physical exam. A noticeably enlarged gland can be a sign of thyroid disease and should be evaluated. Higher levels of thyroid hormone in the blood, increased thyroid size, and other symptoms common to both pregnancy and thyroid disorders-such as fatigue-can make thyroid problems hard to diagnose in pregnancy.

Subclinical hypothyroidism — a mild form of hypothyroidism that has no apparent symptoms. Subclinical hypothyroidism occurs in two to three of every 100 pregnancies. [SOURCE]

If I did, these were the possible effects on my pregnancy and my baby:

Significantly more placental abruptions (relative risk [RR], 3.0; 95% CI, 1.1-8.2), deliveries prior to 34 weeks (RR, 1.8; 95% CI, 1.1-2.9), and respiratory distress syndrome (RR, 1.8; 95% CI, 1.0-3.3) were found in the SCH group. These differences persisted after controlling for maternal age, race, and abruption. [SOURCE]

The function test result during the first month of my pregnancy showed a normal-high TSH and normal-low TS3 and TS4.

Test results will show high levels of TSH and normal free T4 [for subclinical hypothyroidism]… High levels of TSH and low levels of free T4 generally indicate hypothyroidism. Because of normal pregnancy-related changes in thyroid function, test results must be interpreted with caution.

But the doctor thought nothing of it. I couldn’t blame him though, because I didn’t tell him I was pregnant. I didn’t realize it might have an effect.

If subclinical hypothyroidism is discovered during pregnancy, treatment is recommended to help ensure a healthy pregnancy. [SOURCE]

Because the symptoms of hypothyroidism are almost similar to pregnancy-related complaints, I wasn’t aware then that something might be wrong. But now that I’m no longer pregnant, the symptoms are more apparent:

Hypothyroidism signs and symptom may include:

Fatigue
Sluggishness
Increased sensitivity to cold
Constipation
Pale, dry skin
A puffy face
Hoarse voice
An elevated blood cholesterol level
Unexplained weight gain
Muscle aches, tenderness and stiffness
Pain, stiffness or swelling in your joints
Muscle weakness
Heavier than normal menstrual periods
Brittle fingernails and hair
Depression

[SOURCE]

Nine of those symptoms reflect how I’m feeling since I gave birth until now; fatigue, muscle aches and joint paints most notably. And there’s actually another condition that I’m looking into — postpartum thyroiditis — which could explain the lump in my throat.

Postpartum thyroiditis — a painless inflammation of the thyroid gland that develops within the first year after childbirth — often lasts from several weeks to several months. For some women, postpartum thyroiditis leads to long-term underactive thyroid (hypothyroidism).

For the majority of women, thyroid function eventually returns to normal. However, some women who develop postpartum thyroiditis develop hypothyroidism and require lifelong thyroid hormone replacement therapy. Because hypothyroidism presents a significant risk to developing babies, it’s important to make sure the condition is under control before attempting another pregnancy. [SOURCE]

These are only speculations based on a cursory online research. I will still consult with an endocrinologist to know exactly what type of thyroid disorder do I have and if indeed  it had an effect on my baby.

I know getting the facts now will no longer bring Liam back, but at least, I will be more knowledgeable of my condition and prevent unfortunate consequences, if and when God blesses me with another pregnancy in the future.

Four to be exact.

silk square scarf

One square silk scarf.

cotton scarf

Two long ones in sheer printed cotton fabric.

fancy scarf

And one that is a little frilly and fancy — a sheer animal print fabric with these cute dangling embroideries.

But I haven’t used any of them.

When I got home, I immediately searched for scarf how-to videos on YouTube and went crazy trying the ones I like. I was all excited, like I am about to start a new life, and D just looked at me, a little weirded out. Summer has just started and he couldn’t believe that I’m serious about wearing a scarf despite the hot — scorching hot weather.

And I thought I was.

The other day, I needed to deposit a cheque (my SSS maternity claims) to my bank account and decided to wear a scarf. After a number tossing and tying and tucking, I opted to wear it like a headband, and wrapped the remaining length around my neck. I thought I had the perfect look — a little too put together than I usually am, but I thought I could carry it.

Until D came into the room and criticized how my scarf looked so inappropriate for the temperature outside, which was 330 C. I pointed to him the reason why I’m making this bold fashion change, the growing bulge in my throat, and he said that it isn’t as obvious as I think it is. He added that the more I cover it, the more I will draw attention to it.

I know IT IS big enough to be obvious, and he’s only saying that it’s not so I would lose the scarf around my neck.

It’s so frustrating. That our weather is not suitable for wearing scarf. That I need to cover my neck in the first place. I was  tearing up, as I look at myself in the mirror, feeling helpless because either way, with a scarf or a bare neck,  I know I WILL draw attention to myself. And I hate that I’m so worried about what people would think.

In the end, I decided to go with a naked neck and expose the lump for all the world to see. But regretted it, half way through the bank.

I wished I was braver and bolder.

I’m not really choosy when it comes to ringtones and I’m perfectly okay with the presets that came with my cellphone. Although I admit that when I hear a customized ringtone, especially if it’s unique — something that stands out from the rest, I’d often wish mine is customized as well. But no obnoxious and offensive stuff for me. I’ll most likely settle for ringtones from my favorite songs. Or sounds and recordings, like a recording of a dialogue or a sound effect from my favorite movie.

And there’s this particular song, Ikaw at Ako — which I mentioned and posted a video of in this post, that I want to make into a ringtone. And if possible, I want to assign it to D’s number, so whenever he calls, the song will play. I’m not sure if my phone, which is an old and obsolete model, can do that though. (I told you, I’m not particularly into ringtones and not exactly tech savvy when it comes to cellphones).

So I tried just that, using this site: Mobile17 to convert an MP3 file of the song into a ringtone. It was very easy, all you need is to upload the audio file to the site. You will have to register though in order to access your uploads. You can then download it to your phone, as long as it’s smaller than 450KB. Unfortunately, my uploaded file size is too large to be sent to my phone, so no customized ringtone yet. I’ll probably edit the song to play only the chorus and try again.

Hmm, I wonder if I can pull it off. Wearing a scarf.

wearing a scarf

{Source}

I need to cover my neck — if you’re asking why. Sad to say, something came out during my pregnancy. Something that’s probably been laying dormant inside me for a long time and was only triggered by my crazed hormones then. Well, according to research, this type of disorder, if you have it, really has the tendency to come out during pregnancy, like gestational diabetes and UTI. I’m talking about thyroid disorder.

As far as I can remember, I’ve always had a slightly swollen neck. But it didn’t bother me, not even when I get asked occasionally if I have goiter. Until I got pregnant.

On my first maternity month, I accompanied my mother to a doctor to have her aching back checked. The doctor noticed my neck and asked me if he can examine it.  He ordered some blood work (function test), and when the test came out normal (within the standard range), he then ordered a throat ultrasound.

The ultrasound result was a bit vague. The report said there were no nodules or cystic mass seen in my throat but a parenchymal disease was noted. Even the doctor couldn’t interpret it clearly so he gave me a request for a throat scan. However, when I was told that a throat scan involves radioactive treatment, I decided to postpone the procedure until after I gave birth.

But since then, the swelling has progressed and now there’s an obvious lump at the lower part of my neck, which is making uncomfortable and conscious when I notice people looking at it, and why I want to cover it with a scarf.

In my previous post, I briefly mentioned that I was supposed to see a doctor, an endocrinologist, but she isn’t available until March 10. I also scheduled an appointment with another endocrinologist, which is actually today, but was cancelled. I was advised to call the clinic again for a reschedule. But I think I’ll just wait for the 1st endocrinologist to resume her consultation on March 10.

Anyway, whoever I end up consulting with , I know the swelling won’t recede right away. I learned through cursory research that thyroid problems require long-term treatments. So I really need to get used to the idea of a scarf-wrapped neck. It won’t be an everyday thing though, as I only plan to cover my neck when I go out of the house, which is not very often. But still, I want to be able to wear it comfortably, and if possible, fashionably, and not look awkward and stupid with a piece cloth wrapped around my neck.

Thank God for Pinterest, Google Image Search and YouTube, all wealthy sources of scarf ideas. I’m hoping to make a purchase soon. Let’s see if I can really pull it off.

In the meantime, just watch this cool video. I didn’t realize there are many ways to wear a scarf. Cute.

valentine's day chocolates and roses

It was a surprise. We were at the mall yesterday because I was supposed to go to the doctor and have my throat checked (hooray for ambulatory clinics at malls). But she was out and won’t be back until March 10. It was too early to go home, and besides, it’s Valentines, so we thought it might be worth our while to have a look around.

But I said I’ll go to the comfort room first. And he said he will, too. A few minutes later, when I thought that he’s already waiting for me outside, I came out and he’s nowhere to be found. I couldn’t call him on his phone because I ran out of credits. I decided to wait there thinking that he might still be inside. Or if he’s not, I knew that he’d be back anyway.

But after a few more minutes, there’s no sign of him yet. I found it strange because he usually waits for me whenever I go to the comfort room, no matter how long it takes. I was getting bored so I decided to walk around and look for him. I passed by an area where booths selling flowers and other gift items were gathered and I thought how wonderful it would be if I find him there, buying me some flowers. But he’s not there.

I felt a little pissed because I have no idea where he went and I didn’t want to wander aimlessly looking for him. So I just went to the nearest call card station to end my frustration. That’s when my phone rang. He’s calling.

I asked him where he is and why he left me. He said he’s just wandering around. He hasn’t done that before but I didn’t pry anymore as I wasn’t in the mood to ask questions. I just told him where I am and he said that he’d come right away. But he’s taking some time to get to me and I was getting impatient, having to wait again for the second time. I was beginning to wonder where could he be and what was he up to.

Then finally, I felt a tap on my shoulder and when I looked around, there he was standing behind me, carrying a bouquet of roses on one hand and a box of chocolates on the other. *Smiles*

To D: Thank you for trying and for proving to me, whenever you have a chance to, that you not only want things to return to normal, but for everything to be better. Thank you for yesterday. We may have lost our baby, but you were able to win US back. I love you always.

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Pregnancy

It’s Been A While: Recovery

I haven’t heard of anyone who has undergone a major operation while she’s pregnant until I was told I needed one. My initial reaction was to fear for the life of the child inside me. Will I be predisposed to miscarriage or pre-term labor? Will it have an effect on my baby?

After I was assured that the procedure is safe and it’s something that’s commonly done for pregnant women with the same condition as I have, my next concern is about recovery. How long is the recovery period? Is it safe to take medications? Will my stitches hold out and keep my tummy from bursting as my baby grows? Should I be in strict bed rest after the operation?

My OB explained that because of the pregnancy, I can only take paracetamol for pain management and will be under spinal anesthesia during the procedure. I won’t be sedated. I won’t be given strong antibiotics. I won’t be allowed to wear a tummy binder. But she promised my tummy won’t burst and my wound will heal in no time. She also said that based on her other patients who had gone under the same operation, it will take about 2 weeks before I can resume normal daily activities.

And that’s exactly what happened. After the operation, I was able to stand and walk the following day, although not in an upright stance. No food was prohibited but I took it upon myself to not eat anything malansa and eat mostly fruits and vegetables. On my last day at the hospital, my OB taught me how to nurse my wound properly.

The first week was the hardest. It’s difficult to get up from and lie down on bed, difficult to sit down, to stand up and walk. Going to the bathroom was also a challenge. I was able to take a bath a day after I was discharged from the hospital, with my mom literally giving me a bath while I am sitting on a monoblock chair. I tried not to cough or sneeze or laugh too hard or eat and drink too much because it felt as if my tummy would open up when I do.

But after the first week, my recovery sped up. I was even able to go to the mall. I had my first post-operation check up and my OB said that my wound is healing well. And true to her promise, I was up and about a week later. But she cautioned me to take it easy because even if I feel better, my inner wounds were not yet completely healed.

It’s been more than a month now since my surgical laparotomy. My pregnancy is progressing well and if fetal movements and heartbeat are any indications, my baby stayed strong and healthy all throughout the procedure and recovery period.

I’d probably have an ultrasound or congenital anomaly scan (CAS) next month to determine the gender and to check if baby is developing normally. By then, I’d be 6 months pregnant and is slowly inching to my 3rd trimester.

Exciting times ahead!

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It’s Been A While: Pregnancy, Laparotomy, Endometriosis

Actually, it’s been a long while — almost four months since my last post here. And you’ve probably guessed it right. Pregnancy has something to do with my blogging hiatus, but there’s something else more serious.

pregnancy, laparotomy, endometriosis

Pregnancy

The first three months of it prevented me from using the computer or  anything that shines a light into my eyes. I get terrible headaches when that happens. So I was forced to limit my computer hours to 10 minutes max, which was only enough to open my inbox and read my emails.

Laparotomy

On the fourth month, and just when I thought that the headache dilemma was abating, I had to undergo a surgical laparotomy to remove my ovarian cyst. I have never undergone a major operation before plus the fact that I am pregnant. To say that I was scared was an understatement. But why was it needed? Here’s my brief medical background and a summary of my first major surgery experience:

1. Sometime in 2007, an ultrasound (TVS) revealed that I have an endometrial polyp and a cyst on my left ovary. But my OB then was more concerned about the polyp than the cyst, which was still relatively small (slightly larger than 2 cm).

2. I had the polyp removed that same year through blind D&C and my cyst was monitored for a period of 6 months. In the end, it was ruled out as a follicular cyst because it grows and shrinks with my menstrual cycle, and didn’t grow beyond 3 cm.

3. Fast forward to 2010, I experienced severe dysmenorrhea. It was so painful that I couldn’t get up from bed and had to take 3 tablets of Midol to relieve the pain. The following day, I went to the nearest hospital and had myself checked. TVS showed I still have the cyst and possibly, adenomyosis.

4. I went back to my previous OB and showed her my latest TVS report. She repeated the ultrasound herself and said that it’s not adenomyosis, but a recurrent polyp. The cyst was still there, yes, but like the first time, she was more concerned about the polyp and wanted me to undergo another D&C right away. I wasn’t convinced this time.

5. I transferred to another OB and she suspected that I might have endometriosis. She said that I do have a polyp but it’s too small to be of concern. She wanted to monitor my cyst in relation to my cycle to see if indeed it’s endometriotic in nature. I was supposed to have a series of monthly TVS for this purpose. My cyst at this time was about 3 cm.

6. Before my 3rd TVS appointment, I found out I was pregnant. My new OB was delighted because pregnancy is beneficial to those who have endometriosis. She expected my cyst to stop growing, or better yet, to shrink in size. To be sure, we went on with the TVS. But unfortunately, my cyst has grown to 4 cm. I was one month pregnant then.

7. She continued to monitor my cyst. On the 2ndmonth, it became 5 cm. We were then faced with the possibility that my cyst would continue to grow, and on a more rapid rate than it has ever been in the last 3 years. She told me that if it continues to grow, it would be risky for my pregnancy and I will have to undergo a surgery to remove it. She also noted that per my TVS, it seemed that there are no more healthy ovarian cells left in my ovary.

8. By my 3rd month, it was already 6 cm. My OB was almost sure that I will need an operation. She was just waiting for my 4th month because it is the safest period for a pregnant woman to undergo any form of surgery.

9. Two weeks before my 4th month, I decided to seek a second (actually, third) opinion. OB no. 3 had the same findings and recommended the same procedure: surgery. But she explained my condition better and clearer, assured me that the procedure is safe for my baby, and she has this cheerful demeanor that I decided to push through with the operation under her care, even if it’s just my first consultation with her.

10. On my 15th week or a week before my 4th month, I was scheduled for laparotomy. I was brought to the operating room at about 6:30 am and was brought out past 10 am. The operation lasted 2 1/2 hours when a regular oophorocystectomy (removal of ovarian cyst), according to my OB, only lasts an hour.

12. I was conscious during the operation and I could hear what was going on and what the OB and nurses were saying. I could hear my OB talking about “too much blood”, “too far down” and “adhesions”. I also heard her mention “endomet” twice.

13. I spent 5 hours in the recovery room after the procedure and was throwing up for the most part, an ugly side effect of the anesthesia that was administered to me.

14. I was finally wheeled back inside my room at around 3 pm and stayed in the hospital for 2 more days.

Endometriosis

The day after the operation, my OB checked up on me and explained that she had to take out my left ovary and fallopian tube as well. She only wanted to remove the cyst initially, but when she performed cystectomy, my ovary wouldn’t stop bleeding (hence, the “too much blood”). She also said that my ovary was trapped way down, underneath my other organs (“too far down”) and that it’s attached to my pelvic wall and my uterus (“adhesions”). This became her major concern. As much as possible, she didn’t want to touch my uterus because that’s where my baby is. She also saw that my fallopian tube was already blocked and bloated. In these conditions, neither my ovary nor my fallopian tube will still be functional, and she doubts if they were functioning in the first place. In the end, she decided to remove both.

A biopsy was performed on the excised organs and cyst. The result confirmed that it was an endometrial cyst and thankfully, benign. The operative report said that I have pelvic endometriosis. Endometriosis is one of the most common causes of infertility and an alarming condition for those who are trying to conceive . But since I’m already pregnant, and had the affected ovary taken out, having it is the least of my concerns now. My main goal is to take care of the baby inside and make sure that I carry this pregnant to its full term. And that is, a little less than 4 months from now.

To be continued… Recovery

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The Two Red Lines

On 27, Apr 2011 | 6 Comments | In Motherhood & Parenting, Pregnancy | By Sheng

A little over a week ago, I was anticipating the natural course of a woman’s month to pass. I am someone with a regular predictable cycle, consistently mapped out in 26-28 days–and it rarely missed. I record the cycle every month on my phone’s calendar out of habit, and through this I learned to count and guesstimate when the next flow will be. The signs have already manifested themselves a few days ahead–sore breasts, bloated tummy, pimple breakouts and occasional headaches. Considering all these and the date that I have marked on my calendar, I was confident that it was near.

But aside from the usual symptoms, there were also a few, relatively new things that I was experiencing that didn’t belong to the normal PMS’ing scenario: lethargic mornings, nauseous afternoons and groggy evenings. I dismissed them as result of the sweltering heat that the summer season has brought in. I haven’t reached the end of my expected cycle yet and it might be too early to assume, I would say to myself. Although at the back of my mind, I allowed the possibility to seed in my thoughts.

Day 28 arrived but nothing came except more pronounced symptoms. The possibility was getting stronger but I also reminded myself that my counting method is not exactly foolproof. Women get delayed–due to stress, lack of sleep, medications, etc. and sometimes, for no reason at all–and I could be, too.  So I decided to wait a few more days, but the symptoms escalated as I was counting the days that I was delayed.

On the 7th day that nothing came, I decided to check with a kit. I carefully collected an amount of my first morning pee in a small plastic cup and dipped a thin test strip into it for a few seconds. Then I watched as the liquid traveled from the tip of the strip to the point where a portion of  it turned red, only to clear again and reveal one red line–I held my breath and waited some more–and then another line appeared. Two red lines were unmistakable, I didn’t have to look at the instructions to know what they mean.

Immediately, I placed the strip inside a small releasable plastic bag that came with the kit, picked up the box and showed my husband the result of my morning “experiment”. He claimed he didn’t know what those two red lines mean, but I could see that he was already stifling an excitement–his eyes betrayed him. After he compared the image on the box to the two lines on the strip, his face broke into a wide grin and I thought I saw his eyes twinkled. He gave me my first kiss of the day, murmured “I love you”; and we went back to bed, lay down side by side looking like the two red lines that changed our lives as husband and wife.

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